The Push and Pull Between Family and Work
We’ve all been there—trying to do it all perfectly. Family, career, it can feel like you’re on one of those ancient torture devices you see in a movie! No matter how hard you try, something always seems to give. I can’t remember how often I missed stuff with my family because of work. It was always from a place of responsibility, “I have to provide for my family”, which is right and good. However, “providing for my family” included being there for them; and not only for the “big” stuff!
Balance, if it actually exists––sometimes I think we call it that because we can’t think of a better word! For many years I assumed I didn’t have the flexibility at work to rearrange my time when in reality it was that I thought I couldn’t. When I finally decided there had to be alternatives and asked about “balancing” my schedule for family things I found out that my company was all for me doing that.
I share that about myself because, in my case, it was my perspective or view of my circumstances that was skewed. The lesson is not to do things, or make choices/decisions in a vacuum. Life is challenging and hard––let people in, the load is lighter. with help.
Feeling Parental Guilt? You’re Not Alone—And It’s Completely Normal
Guilt. Part of the definition of guilt is, ….” whether real or imagined.” Is the feeling of remorse or responsibility for our actions actually real? I don’t want to go down that road too far, but the point I want to make is we shouldn’t ignore the feeling! We need to evaluate it, preferably with help from a partner or friend, and then decide what to do about it. Please, do not just carry it around with you! If we prioritize family and step away from work for a while, or vice versa, we feel guilty about falling behind or not giving enough to our jobs. It’s a never-ending cycle.
I remember the time my youngest had a school performance—I’d promised her I’d be there. But that was the same week I had a project deadline at work. I chose to stay late and try to finish. I made it to her performance just as it was ending. I could see the disappointment in her eyes, and it crushed me. I went into this cycle of guilt. Guilt for missing the entire performance and guilt about the work I left unfinished.
Guilt, though? And unfortunately, It’s normal. I would say it’s a sign that you care deeply about both parts of your life—and that’s a good thing. I’ve come to the conclusion, that you can’t let guilt define you. My problem was keeping the struggle of trying to “balance” everything to myself. When I started talking to my wife and my children, together we found solutions. None of them were perfect, but because we worked on it together and chose the best solution for that situation, it made things much easier for all of us!
When It Feels Like You’re Struggling in Both Worlds—Here’s Why You’re Not
Somehow, we allow ourselves to believe we must excel at everything. The problem I see with that statement or emotion isn’t the excel part. Rather whose definition of excel are we applying to our life; ours or someone else’s? It’s then that we feel as though we are failing at everything!
It’s good to push and expect yourself to excel, but not at the expense of feeling guilty all the time. What I mean by that is I found that too often I didn’t include the right people in my decision-making process and because of that I made things worse. I would feel like I wasn’t a good dad or a good employee. And I’ll bet you’ve felt that way, too—like you’re constantly dropping the ball like there’s no way to win. But I’ve had to remind myself that no one can do everything perfectly.
The idea of “having it all” is such a myth. It’s not about being perfect at work and home all the time. Some days, your family will need more of you, and work might take a backseat. On other days, your job might demand more of your attention, and that’s okay, too. The key isn’t doing everything perfectly—it’s doing your best with what you currently have. And that’s enough. You are enough.
You’re not failing—you’re just managing an incredibly challenging balance, and some days will feel harder than others. And on those hard days, give yourself some grace because you’re doing better than you think.
Why Celebrating Small Wins Can Boost Your Confidence and Reduce Stress
There was a time when I didn’t even acknowledge small wins let alone celebrate them. I can’t remember the specific situation or the circumstances or why I decided to celebrate a small win, but I am so glad I did! I’m not even sure you could call it a celebration because all I did was admit that the one little thing that was accomplished was, in fact, a victory! That small acknowledgment on my part paved the way for changing my perspective. Small note, I do remember it was 2001 so it has stuck for nearly 25 years.
The next time I completed something I remembered how I felt the time before when I allowed myself to celebrate––so, I celebrated again! I repeated this each time even the smallest milestone was hit. This seemingly tiny, insignificant act made a huge difference in our perspective and mindset. I’m not saying everything was smooth sailing from then on, but the behavior was changed and I cannot over-emphasize how important this one point is––celebrate the small wins!
It is critical to notice and celebrate the little things. I’m not really a fan of any one type of music, I enjoy many genres. George Straight has a song titled, The Little Things. Even if you’re not a fan give it a listen. There is great joy to be found in the little things if we will only notice them and celebrate them!
How Flexibility and Creative Solutions Can Help You Thrive
When I was still a young man––I’m leaving out my age at the time so I don’t offend anyone––my boss at the time said something to me one day that I thought was ridiculous, he said, “David, the only thing consistent is change.” I can’t remember if I responded or not, but I remember what I was thinking––crazy old man, who by the way was younger than I am now. Turns out he was right!
Balance is a funny thing! Balance is an elusive thing! Balance is a subjective thing! Balanced can be defined by each individual. However, since my audience is families it would be better to define balance together. Talk openly. Make sure, parent(s), that the environment is one of inclusion and equality is dispersed equally.
Find and define your balance together as a family. Children are remarkably understanding and smart, and like everyone else if they understand why it makes all the difference. Of course, I’m not advocating telling kids everything, they are still kids, but when we began explaining certain scheduling difficulties between work and their activities we found a way that was truly good for everyone. Sometimes, my wife and I compromised and sometimes the kid(s) did. And we did our best to make it fair for everyone.
Be creative, listen to the kid’s ideas, you might be surprised, I know I was! Many times It was their insights that helped us find our balance as a family. It’s also important not to compare yourselves, or your family, to others. You can get ideas from your friends and family, but what works for others probably won’t work for you without some adjustments, and maybe not at all.
Every Parent Struggles—But Together, We Can Overcome It
We all struggle. We all have doubts. We all feel stretched too thin sometimes. And it’s ok! I’ve been around for a little over six decades; I’ve been to a lot of places, interacted with a lot of people from different cultures, and I’ve done a lot of things. I have yet to find anyone who “has it all together!” Some people are just better at disguising their chaos.
There’s another component to this, especially for us guys. For the most part, it is nearly impossible to be vulnerable––with anyone. Put me at the front of the line because that is so me! The good news is I have made progress, yeah! And if I can make progress with this anyone can! I don’t think I began making headway with this until my kids were older, maybe even some of them were married.
Do not wait as long as I did. When I did start opening up with my friends I found out, much to my surprise, that I wasn’t alone! It’s the same everywhere, we all have those times when you say to yourself, “I don’t know what to do….” It’s normal!
Another great thing is you don’t have to go through it alone. Because your friends and family are walking the same kind of path as you are, a.k.a., bewildered and unsure of which step is the right step. Don’t shout your problems from the rooftop, but you know who the people are you can trust––talk to them; you’ll be glad you did.
Let Go of Perfection and Focus on Progress
I’m not trying to be a downer, but balance isn’t about perfection. Life just isn’t perfect. It’s messy and imperfect. How boring would life be if everything, every day was perfect? Answer, extremely boring! Now don’t get me wrong, it’s ok to long for “the perfection.” It’s even ok to revel in it on the rare occasions when it does happen for just a moment. However, your norm should be to embrace the messiness.
Life is replete with changes, challenges, curveballs, and chaos––and it’s ok! Embrace it! Give yourself some grace and remember: you’re not in this alone!